Surrendering to the Karma, Dharma & Doodie

April 10, 2009 at 5:17 pm · Filed under Dharma, Every Day Yoga, Innerspace Yoga and tagged: control issues, enlightenment, Yoga

When I was younger I relentlessly pushed myself in my yoga practice, looking for results. I wanted Enlightenment, and I wanted it NOW! I was always moving so fast through my life to get things done, accomplished, or put behind me that I never took the time for the present moment. I thought Enlightenment means everything is “perfect,” and once I get all of the components of my “perfect” life together, I will dwell in a state of bliss.

Living like Sisyphus is a Herculean feat, so to speak. The harder I struggle in my life to make things go my way (you know, the right way), the more the universe will bitch slap me. And being myself, I would think all I need to do is get a better grip (control), scheme up a way to turn things around (intellectualizing and manipulating), and just work harder. 

    My defiance and bulldoggedness served me well and kept me alive, but it took barely surviving my son’s birth, two parents being simultaneously sick with cancer, a dear friend’s tragic death, 9-11, and helping out with the hospice care of my father-in-law (along with the everyday surprises of having a toddler primate at home) for me to realize I really can’t control anything other than what I eat and what I wear on any given day. 

There amidst the karma, the dharma and the dirty diapers, I found my peace. For the first time in my life, I relinquished control. I no longer had to check on certain people (certain adults, anyway— I still check babies and small children) constantly to be sure they were still breathing. 

          I no longer had to apologize for other people’s irresponsible, insane and/or inappropriate behavior, and I didn’t have to run myself ragged cleaning up everyone’s life messes (very often fubars I had nothing to do with). I certainly didn’t have to walk on eggshells to make sure nothing could go wrong. I learned to just be: just breathe in the here and now, and for the most part be nothing more than a witness to life around me. 

 I learned I don’t really have to fix anything except meals (Jacob only cooks a little, and when he does he dirties every bloody dish in the kitchen). I’m not responsible for making the planet turn on its axis. Indeed, life on Earth keeps going even when I don’t get out of bed. It is incredibly liberating to realize the world doesn’t actually revolve around me! This frees up a lot of time for me to write, learn guitar, garden, do yoga, and enjoy my family. 

The poets William Blake and Jim Morrison (along with Aldous Huxley) were rapping the dharma to me while I was torturing myself at Ball State: “When the doors of perception are cleansed, everything will appear as it is: infinite,” they write.             

           Back when I thought Mr. Mojo Risin was personally speaking to me from across time and space, I thought this meant Enlightenment actually dwells somewhere behind a locked façade. It never occurred to me I had one of the keys in my pocket the whole time: relinquish the illusion of control. Enlightenment dwells everywhere; it is ambient and free for everyone all the time, but you won’t find it if you’re too busy not looking. 

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